Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Battling emotions

I have never been serious about weight loss. After the sixth day i have had the tendency to give up or rather to be honest i resort to cheating... cheating yes, you've heard it right.. i cheat on myself and i cheat on food and exercise... i  have always to be lucky ( as i thought then) to fall ill or catch a  bad cold or something of that sort, but the bottom line remained the same... i never was honest and never put in any efforts.

Probably this is the first time in my life of 30 long years i am being truthful to myself and my inner sense.. i have resolved to do the best for myself.. i have in my journey for the past two months undergone a topsy turvy emotions...

I have learnt to say no and hold back for the first few seconds before the food could disappear.. the reason i am telling this is that food has been a great source of comfort for me.. not that i was a gluton earlier.. but i was a binge eater and my binging has got me this fat..

My depressions would seek solace in rice.. the carbs would give great comfort.. i was reckless. I have successfully over come this trait of mine.. in my journey this far so many factors have played a role... weight loss blogs on net, strange people on net and most importantly SPARK252 has given me great strength to move ahead..

Even when i am on this journey waves of emotions keep slapping across my face.. i get depressed very soon. Days i am unable to make to the Gym i dwell in guilt and then i feel agitated... i feel like a failure. then there are days when i feel on top of the world after a good work out..i feel i am on the right track..

One of the many insecurities that i am facing currently is fear.. last evening i got to know that one of my close acquaintance who is just 36 has been tested positive for sugar.. she was depressed.. she is fat and her hereditary factor has played its role... she is scared ..

Courtesy Modern science life can be carried out smoothly and your sugar problem will not come in way of leading a normal life but still deep within you know that things are not the same ...

My mind suddenly shifted to another world there i was standing in the same position as this lady and was wondering the same as her. i did not stop there or rather my mind did not stop there.. i went a step ahead.. What if i get diabetes, what if i develop hyper tension what if get all the bad cholesterol deposit in all the wrong places of my body...what if i get a heart attack.. These what ifs continued till i saw a silhouette .. I went closer I could barely see any face.. so I went further close and there I could see that the person was seeing the other way and when I turned her face around.. I saw my daughter’s face . this really got the hell out of me..

It came as a rude shock to me and I am still shuddering when I write this.. the thought that these ailments may just kill me and that my daughter would be left alone did not go well with me.. I could not digest and accept the fact that someday owing to my morbidity to lose weight I might invite these aliments and that my death will leave my daughter alone shock me up thoroughly.

I asked myself what wrong has this angel done to deserve a life without her mother? Nothing so who am I to ruin her life and childhood without a mother.. I know how life is without a mother.. even at this age I am a parasite when it comes to my mother.. so why should my daughter be deprived for some stupid fault of her mothers.. what is she to do if her mother refuses to loose her weight and try hard.. what can she do to change things.. the change has to be at my end..

Last evening I have resolved that I am not going to leave any stone unturned in my journey and my quest to find myself and be happy…I have realized that there are far more graver things in life and there is so much to do and see in life in contrast to the little time we get.. life is beautiful all we need to do is spread our arms out to feel the fresh air and fly high.. higher.. God has blessed me with good health and I am going to preserve it for myself and my little daughter ..

My daughter means the world to me and she is definitely the wind beneath my wings in this journey of my life and weight loss…

1 comment:

Rashmi said...

Dear Sushma, Most women live in self denial, till there is a wake-up call one day. Its better late than never. I have seen the episodes of "america's Biggest loser" and I have seen people shed 50 Kilos, You are far away from such huge kilo gain. Have trust in yourself, and beleive in positive. Weightloss is a long and frustrating Journey for ever. Some people just have tendency to put on weight, and I am one of them. You words motivate me too...there are many who are motivated by your blog, so if you fail, many more will fail. Be an example, go strong, you will lose weight. I am waiting to gift you a sexy attire, and I wish that day is not too far. Love,